All my life I believe I heard my mother say day after day how she didn’t feel good and she was always at the doctors office for “her pills” nervous pills she called them. She didn’t have a job except for raising us 5 kids and dad drove and did all the household providing that needed done. I didn’t think much about it until the first few years after I’d been married that it was a familiar saying for someone who suffered from anxiety and panic disorder. And this I found out from experience. My own.
The first or second year I was married, I had strange feelings and felt an odd sense of illness although I wasn’t sick. My doctor proclaimed it anxiety and gave me pills for it, which I didn’t really take for long. When my second son was born, and what I know was my first miracle occurred. No one can tell me different. At the time, I was going to church and home bible studies. My husband on the other hand, although he played guitar in a band they called Christian and played in the church, he didn’t really get into going to church or bible study. We had many problems as if in a house with 2 people unequally yoked. He still drank although the rest of our bad lifestyle was slowly falling to the wayside.
On the birth of my second son, I had what is known as my tubes tied to prevent another preqnancy, the monents after his birth. I went home but after about a week, I started uncontrollable bleeding for more than a few hours. By the time we called the hospital though we had already been in contact with the doctor, the hospital said if I couldn’t get there in 5 minutes to call an anbulance or it may be too late. I was fully aware and when getting to the hospital though feeling cold I walked in to the hospital on my own. They took my blood pressure and couldn’t find it and in disbelief said I shouldn’t even be standing. Immediately, my blood was being replaced as I went in for a D & C. Later on my prayer friends and family arrived at the hospital. I had at least 4 or 5 pints of blood replaced. Later on I remember it plain as day. Everyone had gone home and I was watching the Late Show when a doctor examined me and told me the bleeding had not stopped and I’d have to go for surgery right away for a partial hysterectomy. My husband was called and my church friends arrived. Even though I knew how serious this was I was at perfect peace going into the operation. I was in the hospital a week or so afterwards. My husband promised God that if I lived he would quit drinking or so he said. He never did.
A very few years and trials later, I drove to the supermarket, I’d always gone to and in the parking lot I began to have a tremendous headache and suddenly, I was afraid and everything looked surreal. I had what I know now is the fight or flight syndrome. I got home, laid down until the headache went away. In the weeks to come, I became more and more nervous and I almost had the symptoms of being pregnant although I knew I couldn’t be. I become afriad to drive anywhere by myself and almost quit driving. We had started going to another church and conditions became bad and I went to the front for prayer from my Pastor, who just happened to have some experience in medical practice. He and his wife came to our home to see how we were and he said it almost sounded as if I had an ovarian cyst. We were very low income and didn’t have at the time a regular doctor. I picked one out that would see me with little money. As it turned out, God was looking over me. At the time it turned out to be a 5 lb ovarian cyst and needed surgery. I didn’t know how to afford that but God in His mercy had prepared a surgeon who did it for free for his part.
Back in the hospital I went. What was not suppose to be a long surgery turned out to be more. The cyst had wrapped itself around everything close by. I didn’t realize the potential of what it could have been until after the surgery, I was told it was not cancer. I had not thought of it being such and that was scary.
The beginning of my battle with Panic Disorder