Panic Disorder – Crisis of Faith, Mercy of God

Part Five and conclusion, continued from Part four
I suppose by now you are wondering what Panic disorder has to do with Crisis of Faith. In this, the last part of my testimony I’ll try to come to the conclusion of the matter.
I will describe how Fear and faith leads to the mercy of God, and the healing only He can bring. Even though my story has the facts, you will have to use your imagination to insert the doubt, uncertainity, fear, heartache, emotions and pain that lies in between the facts. Think of the things you have dealt with in your life. Words just don’t tell the whole story do they?

After my last job, I was able to stay at home for 3 years. Years in which I was able to be an artist and sold paintings on Ebay for extra money. One year, my husband lost his job and we could not pay our bills. We were about to lose all we owned. I had to go back to work. Even in that God was behind the details.
That’s another story for later. Anyway, I had never worked in a store before yet put in my application for one near my house and got the job. I arrived thin, nervous and shaky. As always, I had my Xanax on hand. The fact that my job was a mere few blocks away to drive probably helped a lot. Unlike the years before, I finally was eating normal, keeping my blood sugar levels good and somewhat keeping away most symptoms as panic attacks had. I still had some pretty bad panic attacks still though. As long as I had my Xanax, didn’t drive far alone and always had my cell phone, I did pretty good. Now, instead of the attacks being the norm for me they would come unexpectedly, still wondering why I felt so sick, why was I so nervous etc, etc. Somehow the smoking habit I still had would be a source of uncertainty in my walk with the Lord Jesus Christ,always had me searching for “was it a sin?” etc. Opinions of course on the part of Christians vary somewhat. I had counted myself as saved for over 40 plus years, understanding that salvation was given by faith and trust in the Cross of Christ. I knew my Bible well. This is the conclusion of the matter of faith and of my healing.
Stay tuned for the Best Part. My solid faith in the Mercy of God and my healing.

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Crisis of Faith–Panic Disorder

continued from Crisis of Faith

Part four:

I was in my early 30’s when I had the last operation. The removal of the ovarian cyst made complete the partial hysterectomy I had had a few years earlier. Hormones can surely get messed up in case of this and was thought to have something to do with the Panic symptoms. Hormones helped, but the symptoms got worse…

As the symptoms got worse, I could no longer drive, work or even go outside my house. I had panic attacks all through the day and horrific nightmares through the night. I couldn’t eat nor sleep. I became claustrophobic, agoraphobic and anorexic as well. I had to take care of my young children and had such a hard time that once my youngest son almost made it out to a busy street. A CPS person was the one who noticed and knocked on my door.

I read my Bible constantly, praying and trying so hard to concentrate on what the reason for my condition could be. I still smoked cigarettes and worried that if I died I’d not be saved because somehow smoking was the unforgivable sin. A person engulfed in Panic Disorder usually do not know what the cause is and constantly wonders if we are having a heart attack, and as in my case one who smokes you just know you must have cancer, etc. You hyperventilate a lot in panic and a natural thought is smoking and damage to lungs must be causing it. On and on it goes with “what if’s” the classic symptom of Panic. You don’t do anything nor go anywhere because of the what ifs that never happen. And you always feel sick.

Many things happened over those years. With the help of a doctor, Xanax and control of garden variety hyperglycemia eventually I was able to cope. I couldn’t go anywhere without Xanax, but was able to get a job, start eating again and drive again. Knowledge is power and I read all I could about Panic Disorder. Knowing the symptoms are the fight and flight syndrome and not a physical sign of disease become a relief in itself, reducing the symptoms. Once knowing that one suffers from hyperglycemia and that the symptoms mimic those of Panic and knowing that orange juice or peanut butter help with those really relieves the feeling of panic. In my case it helped. Still, I worried deep inside that I would not be saved if something happened to me because I still smoked cigarettes. My Panic disorder was only under control enough that I was back to a somewhat normal life again, but I still was nervous about driving myself even to the nearest place and surely wouldn’t go anywhere without Xanax. I suffered with this between 1984 and the year 2000 when the disorder helped me lose a job I had been able to keep for 8 yrs through it all. Though I was improving physically and thought I was staying close to God my crisis to faith was still to come. Stay with me on my journey.

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As I move forward to my Crisis of faith

PART THREE: All my life I believe I heard my mother say day after day how she didn’t feel good and she was always at the doctors office for “her pills” nervous pills she called them. She didn’t have a … Continue reading

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Faith and Salvation, my story continues


Alas, I had the second part all typed out and lost it once again in internet never, never land, so I try to continue again even though the one I lost was much better. 🙂

Where did I leave off? Oh yes, salvation as a pre-teen. After I was baptised in the Baptist Church, I continued to attend for awhile until some time after we moved back into my Grandmothers house with her. My teen years started off with the wrong friends, wrong actions and wrong everything. I was a teenager in the 70’s hippie generation. I grew rebellious and disobedient to parents. I smoked tobacco and the weed of the day, learning how to party, drink and of course as most teens learn about sexual activity as I did too.

At 17, I left school at the end of the 11th grade and married (against my parents wishes) thankfully though to the man to whom I’ve been married to for 37 yrs despite the rocky road. I had 2 children, one in my twenties and one 6 yrs later. We continued the lifestyle of drink, parties, music and dope after we got married. Thanks to God though I didn’t like any of it enough to become an addict of any of those things, except for tobacco, a plague I still have to this day. A plague that has a part in story later.

Despite all of this, if anyone brought about the subject of the Bible, I didn’t shy away from it and didn’t mind talking about it. I was always quick to discuss end-time subjects, even with my lack of a lot of knowledge on the subject. I’ve always been drawn to the subject as long as I can remember. An event I remember the year I accepted Jesus, was one evening when as a 5th grade cheerleader, there was a full blood red moon. It didn’t take but a minute for we girls to wonder if the end of all had come.

One day, a couple of years after the birth of my first son, my husband and I were in our yard, when a woman who later became my Sunday School teacher and still my friend, invited us to the neighborhood Baptist Church she attended. After persuading a couple of friends to go with us the next journey of my life began. I loved church and though we continued our partying lifestyle it wasn’t long before I tried to be at church every time the doors where open. God begin to tug at my heart. You know, when you live a lifestyle contrary to the 10 commandments its funny how you begin to feel guilt and encounter a list of do’s and don’t that you end up trying to live up to when you know you can’t. Oh sure, I quit the drinking, partying and illegal stuff and went to church but for many years there was still something that wasn’t quite right. I’d like to start there, with that uneasy feeling of guilt that seemed to aways be there, even though I’d heard the message of grace through faith and salvation thereby many, many times. I’d like to relate to you the first many years of my marriage that was bringing me closer to my crisis of faith. Please stay with me and read my next post as I continue. ( I don’t want to lose this one too although, my first copy was better. ) Stay tuned.

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Concerning Faith and Salvation, my story, my crisis

Part One:

Have you ever had concerns of your salvation? Have you ever had doubts whether you were really saved? Has the question ever impacted your life consistently as in always with you on the inside, manifesting itself in outward signs of body or life? I have, so much to the point it brought about not really being sure of when salvation occurred.

There are many people who can point to a time, a day, or year etc when they believe you were saved by Jesus Christ. I used to be like that and sometimes I will point to that time when asked but the fact remains that once I had a period of a faith crisis if you will that makes me not so sure. It has been a few years that occurred but I’d like to tell about that time in order to share and to remember.

My problem is I’m the type who finds it difficult to do that in short form without writing out my whole history and 54 years is quite a bit of history! Do all writers have that problem? Sticking to the main idea without getting lost in the details? Well, I will try anyway.

Regardless, I have to start with background.

I was raised in a home with at least a Mother, Grandmother and Grandfather who were Christians, though we were not “religious” whatever that means. We didn’t pray before meals or read the bible as a family etc. From my earliest memories, we children were taken to the church around the corner by my Grandmother and Mother. I remember Vacation Bible School more than anything until I was a teenager. I’m not sure when but at some time the corner church closed.

I remember my Grandmother watched Billy Graham crusades on T.V and I frequently would read the Decision Magazines she would receive from that ministry. I remember when I was quite young my Grandfather was my best friend who taught to me all the beloved old hymns and we sang them together. The best Christmas present I received was a white award Bible from my Grandmother back in 1966 and I even still have it for a keepsake. My Dad didn’t attend Church and my Mother didn’t drive and so after the neighborhood church closed it’s door on Sundays my Dad would drive the family to Church across town and pick us up later.

Later on, when I was in the 5th grade leading up to my rebellious teenage years, we moved to a house in the neighborhood of that Church and I went one year to a school near there before we moved back in to my Grandmothers house. It was at that year that I “accepted Christ Jesus” as my Savior. I was at the G.A camp when I suppose I heard a call during a message at the camp service and went up front to accept the Lord and when back at Church was baptized. It’s funny, but now that I think about it, does a preteen with a fairly normal life really understand the message of salvation and what Sin is? Did Jesus really call or was I just so full of hearing about Jesus all my life, it was just a thing of routine?  I mean what kind of life had I already lived in which I could notice a change or not? Oh I know that not all conversions HAVE to be dramatic but there is always a change of heart. But my whole life had already been wrapped around Godly things, Bible and Jesus so did my open confession only bring out something that had already happened somewhere in my younger years or worse yet was it only a routine “I accepted Jesus” that did not save? Well, I believe it is possible that I do not know the real time of my salvation. My crisis of faith story that follows may add more insight. You decide.

My crisis of faith story continues on another page so feel free to continue with me.

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I like these Christian things

adding to the list of web sites that I’ve found encourage and entertain me:

(If you lilke call in shows, these will make your day. People to People Ministries

Metro Church


Don’t toss aside without hearing her out on most subjects,

Stacy and Randall Harp at Blog talk Radio, You will be left thinking.

I’ve gained alot from these two programs in the last few months.

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Today I celebrate 37 years of marriage as God has intended. Happy Anniversary to me! 🙂

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